Dating after 35. Advice for single ladies

The dating game shifts gears when we get older. Fear and desperation may set in. We may make bad judgments because we are scared that we may never find someone else or that the biological clock may be ticking fast and we need to catch up. No decision made in fear, desperation, speculation or confusion results in happiness. Take your time and think clearly.    Dating after 35. Advice for single ladies                                                                                                                                                                                              Here are some things you may want to think about concerning your love life.

  1. Each relationship is unique and every man is different. As mature women, we may have experienced bad relationships in our past and it is easy to take all that negativity into new relationships. It may be difficult to trust someone because you were cheated on before, or something like that. You need to take some time in-between your relationships to cleanse yourself of whatever it is that caused the breakup and to find happiness alone then go into another relationship on a clean slate and with an open heart. You do have to take some lessons from it though. If you made terrible mistakes before, don’t do it again now. You have to keep your heart open and your eyes as well. You are now wiser from past experiences, use your wisdom and maintain your positivity in future relationships.
  2. The fact that you are at this age and single does not necessarily mean that there is something wrong with you. People can be mean. You may have been told that you are not beautiful, or he cheated on you with a younger woman and said you were old, you may have been told that your character or personality was unpleasant or many other things. These things can easily rob you of your confidence. It is always good to reflect on certain things about yourself and see where you can make improvements. That is something that everyone should do anyway. There may be a good chance that you did some things that pushed some men away but you need to understand that it’s not always the case. Sometimes the reason is simply that it’s not yet your time to meet the right guy. Some things happen earlier in life for some people and later for others.
  3. You don’t have to take a man that you are not happy with because you fear that you are running out of time. It is much better to be alone and fill your life with other things that make you happy than to be with a guy that just makes you miserable. You may miss out on chances to meet the right man while you focus on the wrong one. You have to love yourself enough to understand that you deserve happiness.  Stay away from abusive men, men who belong to someone else, those that want you for your money or for reasons other than love, the list is endless but you should not date out of desperation.
  4. Be comfortable with your age. Sometimes age can be such an issue that we are afraid that we are of less value than younger women on the dating scene. This makes us insecure. Insecure people are never happy and they cannot make another person happy. If a man pays you a compliment, take it and believe him. Don’t assume that he is telling you that he finds you beautiful because he is just polite. This is because you believe than you are too old to still be attractive. Insecurity makes you over-sensitive and people cannot joke around you because you think they are attacking your age, the man you are dating cannot have younger female friends because you are always worried he will go to them and leave you. It’s just a tiresome life for you or any man that might want to date you so just be happy with your age and who you are.
  5. Find a balance between not rushing and not wasting time. This advice applies to any woman really but for older women, certain things are time sensitive. If you still want children make sure you don’t date a guy who wants a 5 year relationship then 2 year engagement. Even if it’s not about children, some women  just want a man that will marry them and the 2 of you can do life together. Make sure he has the same goal in the same timeline as you. BUT be careful that you don’t rush into something that robs you of your joy, long term. Take your time to know your man before settling down.
  6. Don’t compare your love life to anyone else’s. Don’t drive yourself crazy by watching what is happening in other people’s relationships that is not happening in yours. This just robs you for your joy and clouds your decision-making when you meet men.
  7. Enjoy the wait if you are in waiting. The grass always looks greener on the other side, don’t always assume that those that are in relationships are happy. Enjoy the single days. You don’t have to report to anyone. You can flirt without fear of upsetting your man. You are free, enjoy it while it lasts. Work on yourself; you career   an other things that matter to you. The right guy will come when he comes and he will be attracted to how happy you are with your life. The wait should make you better not bitter.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                            Like the 35 Plus Facebook page for motivational quotes and interesting blog posts. Watch this space for details to  upcoming events for 35 Plus events for older women.
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Ladies: Here’s 6 Reasons why he is not asking you to marry him

Hello 35 Plus ladies. It has been a while since I posted on this blog but there are plenty posts in store for you. This is a post that I wrote for another blog but I thought 35 Plus single ladies might be interested. It is not uncommon to find that single mature women have actually been in relationships for a long time and wanting to be married but their men never asked them. Enjoy…Life lessons with Chipo MutibvuSometimes we walk straight into the rain and we just cannot figure out why we are getting wet. If you have been dating a guy for 3 or 4 or 5 years or more and you know that he knows that you are ripe and ready for marriage but won’t act, you might want to open your eyes and realise that you are getting wet because you are standing in the flipping rain!

I get that there are people who go for decades without tying the knot because that’s what they prefer, people like Oprah and her dude. That’s fine. I’m progressive and all that but if you know that you want that ring and it ain’t coming, you need to start thinking about what you are doing wrong, not him, YOU!. So let me let me explain to you what rain you are standing in that’s causing this situation that you’re in right now. Why the hell is he not making “an honest woman” out of you (whatever that means)?

  1. You have given him the meat, the milk, the cowhide (ie. cow skin, I learnt a new word, hehe), and the manure so why should he now buy the cow? I’m going to take some time with this one because it is the biggest one.  He already has everything! This is especially true for those who are living together. You cook his meals, do his laundry, clean up after him, give him bedroom action, some have already had a kid or two and you are STILL wondering why he is not marrying you? Life is already going on awesomely, I wouldn’t do anything either in a situation like that. If it’s not broken why fix it, right? Even if you are not the cooking and cleaning type the point is you are already living “ever after” together. Who has money to go and buy a ring when there are diapers to be bought? Some ladies are even taking care of these guys, he drives your car, he lives in your house and eats your food, what in all that gives you the indication that he will want to change that?                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                           Even if you are not living together there are couples that are “as good as married”. The “in-laws” call you to help out at family functions and you go there and run around with an apron like you are part of the family. Where I come from (Zimbabwe) it is the job of the daughters-in-law (varoora/makoti) to serve everyone during family functions. They wake up before everyone else to make sure that there is hot water for everyone’s bath, food, etc and after all that they clean up and start preparing for the next meal and so on. Their job is not to celebrate at parties or mourn at funerals, they are there to work. So if you have already joined these ladies before you are married what would motivate him to marry you? Some relatives might not even know that you are not married yet because you are always there. Back home daughters-in-law call their husbands’ sisters “tete” (aunt) and other titles for his other relatives. Understand this ladies, if her brother has not put a ring on it that woman is NOT your tete just as you are not Mrs anybody. If you decide to go to any family functions (because it’s good for you to get to know them and vise versa) get there and find a chair and sit your ass down! Don’t accept an apron from anybody.  You can help set tables or gather the dishes just as you would if you went to a friend’s house but you are doing it because you want to and it’s just nice to help BUT it’s not your duty. And don’t avail yourself to all family gatherings, you are not a part of that family yet. Don’t let them forget that little fact because you will be celebrating your child’s wedding before your own if you let it go on like that.
  2. You have shown him that it is ok to prioritise other things, not the ring.  They say people will treat you the way you allow them to. By sticking around and being told that it will happen as soon as he is done with this and that then this and that comes and passes and still no ring, you are sending him the message that not following through with his promises has absolutely no consequences. Even in the above-mentioned situation with families, refuse to be made part of things that only take away from you and never add anything that you want for your life. I will tell you right now, there will always be a very good reason to delay it for another couple of months, which into a year, then another 2… You need to demand to at the top of that list of priorities or go elsewhere where marrying you will be a priority not an option for that person because they love you and they want to be with you in a way that makes you happy.
  3. He knows you are not going anywhere. I do not subscribe to the notion that we have “soulmates” (that’s a blog post for another day) but it is this idea that our souls are tied to another person so intricately that we cannot separate ourselves from them that causes people to stay in unhappy relationships. What if your “soulmate” starts to hit you? what if they rape you? then what? You stay because your souls are tied? The man who won’t marry you knows that you have convinced yourself that the two of you are soulmates so he is not in a hurry to do anything because he knows you won’t leave.  Your soul and your happiness should not be irrevocably tied to anybody, tie them to a goal. Human beings are fickle, they sometimes don’t do what they say they will do and you will always live your life hoping that someone makes you happy. If you want to get married and you have made it clear to him and he has shown you that he is still busy with other things, leave! He may be the finest man on earth, he may be doing this and that for you but one day you may resent him for not making it happen for you when you wanted it to happen. You have to realise now that he should not have the power to make things happen for you. If marriage is not on his immediate itinerary but it’s on yours, dive back into the sea and find someone with the same life goals as yours.
  4. You are not clear and firm about what you want. Dealing with people generally is like dealing with kids. If you tell a child that if they don’t eat their dinner they won’t have dessert but they test you and decide not to eat, come dessert time if you feel sorry for them and give them that ice cream anyway, you are just setting precedent for other things to come.  They will only do their homework when they want to, bath when they want to, etc. It might be a good idea for you to mention in your early conversations that you want to get married, hopefully BEFORE the second coming of Christ. Not the first date, obviously, but make it known to him and live by it. It will help to be the same way with any other big decisions in your relationship. If today you say no dessert but you then give him the ice cream anyway he is going to know how to get you to do things the way he wants them and on his schedule because you are wishy-washy.Life lessons with Chipo Mutibvu
  5. You are easily pacified. You need to take charge of your life and demand not to have your time wasted! If he gives you a promise ring, then a 3 year engagement, then a promise-to-end the-engagement ring he has already figured you out. You will take an onion ring if he gives it to you because anything will make you smile and go another 6 months without talking about the issue. Frankly, I think promise rings are cute in high school or very early twenties. You can’t come to me at thirty and “promise” to marry me, JUST DO IT ALREADY! Use that money to buy a motherf***ing engagement ring and not more than 6 months later let’s call the marriage officer and make an appointment. Promise ring! Promise him that you will go and never look back and don’t mean it as a threat, do it if you have to. Life is short, ain’t nobody got time for promise rings and 3 year promises!Life lessons with chipo mutibvu. Why your man is not asking you to marry him
  6. HE IS JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU! I hate cliches but when they say where there is a will there is a way they are not playing. Watch the movie if you don’t believe me. Men find ways to watch every game they want to watch during the world cup even if they have to lose their jobs to do so. Even if they have to drive 5 hours to catch the game, they will do what it takes to get what they want. If he wanted to marry you he would have done it 2 years ago. People get married on their sick beds in hospitals, they get married to someone in jail, they get married under any damn circumstances if they want to. Whatever you are being told is the lie that you know is complete hogwash and the truth that I am telling you today is that if he wanted to marry you, he would have done it. I know this is a lot to take in but keep calm and grab a chocolate bar, then go and tell him that you don’t have another 5 years to play this game with him!Life lessons with Chipo Mutibvu

4 Things that can kill a woman’s sex drive after 35/40

sex after 35/ 40, 35 plus, chipo mutibvu

If it’s not a headache it’s “that time of the month”, if not that then, “the kids are still awake they can hear us”, or “that thing you did last week pissed me off” and after that you know there is not going to be any action. We have heard about these excuses and maybe you yourself have used some of them. It’s time to understand why women find themselves getting more and more creative with excuses than they do with sex positions. I bet many don’t even realise that they are making excuses until one day they try to think back and they realise they haven’t had sex for a whole month or two! I hope there are some men who are reading this too so that they also understand what is happening with their women so that they can assist with solutions. As a man, before you resort to “taking matters into your own hands” or calling a call girl or finding a side-dish, understand some of the turmoil that your woman might be going through.

This doesn’t happen to every woman but for most women who libido decrease with age these are some of the reasons;

Decrease in the production of hormones

In the later years production of hormones decreases in women and that causes less blood to flow to the vagina which results in vaginal dryness. Without the natural lubrication sex becomes painful for the woman. Other medical conditions and treatments can cause dryness but that’s a topic for another day. In this post we are looking at what usually happens in any healthy woman under normal circumstances.

Solution

If you are experiencing dryness go see your doctor and have them check to see if there really is something hormonal going on with you and that it’s really peri-menopause or menopause that you are dealing with and not a medical condition or a result of some medication you might be taking. Having done that, some of the things to consider include;

  • Your diet. This should be done no matter what else you are doing because it contributes to your general health not just bedroom life. Stay hydrated. Also, eat food rich in omega 3 fatty acids (eggs, fish, peanut butter, walnuts, etc) and protein. Basically be more conscious about healthy eating.
  • Exercise, it promotes blood flow to all parts of your body including your vagina. Exercise also helps in maintaining hormonal balance which helps also with things like moods swings, hot flushes, etc.
  • Over the counter lubricants.
  • Some people prefer natural remedies such as jojoba, coconut oil or even olive oil.

These are only a few of the things you could try but the point is the healthier you are the less problems you are likely to incur with anything to do with your body.

Self esteem / depression

Society tends to put a “best before” date on women. Women are usually hot news in their late teens and early to mid twenties in terms of being seen as beautiful or potential marriage material. This is why most models and beauty pageant contestants are around that age. We never hear of a 40 year old become Miss Universe. And in most cases when husbands step out of a marriage, it’s usually with a younger woman. Women therefore sometimes feel like they are in competition with younger women. Nature doesn’t make it any better because at some point gray hairs start popping up and skin loses it’s elasticity and there is only only so much hair dyes and anti-aging creams can do.

Solution

Embrace your age. Pray the serenity prayer and accept the things you cannot change. You can’t stop time or rewind so accept it and look see a long life for the gift that it is. Do not try to compete with anyone, younger or otherwise. Be comfortable in your own skin.

Another thing that can help you is finding friends or even online communities with people your own age. You will find that the changes that are happening to you are happening to many other people, God is not picking on you. You will also find other women who may be older than you, have more gray hair and more wrinkles than you but who are still fabulous and happy with where they are in life. That kind if inspiration is good for you. You will also learn about changes to expect and how to deal with them. You should also do your own research and get to understand your body. There is no problem that will not have a solution.

Also, if there are men reading this, keep telling your wife that she is beautiful. Make her feel loved and sexy. Women need to hear it not just when you are still trying to woo her by even after 30 years together.

Monotony / over-familiarity 

If you have been with the same partner for a long time, a decade or maybe more, you know them very well. You know how they smell, what sex positions they like, how long it will last and so on. Most people are creatures of habit so you will enjoy it the same way daily until one person or both of you get bored.

Solution

Be creative and explore new positions and even new venues. Try a different room in the house, the shower or spend the night under the stars if you can. Whatever gives a different feel to the usual. You could try role playing if you are into that sort of thing.

OR

Spend some time away from each other. Create a thirst for it for a while and when you come together again it won’t feel like oh, this again!

 Busy schedules

Whether you work or stay home with the kids you most probably are exhausted by the end of the day. If not both partners then one may be too tired to want to have sex. Sometimes dealing with it all, work deadlines, dealing with children, running errands etc results in so much stress and frustration that sex is the last thing on your mind at the end of the day.

Solution

Even though it sounds less than ideal, schedule time for sex. I was talking to a friend a few weeks ago who said she and her husband went for 3 months without doing it and they didn’t even notice until they sat down and started thinking back! So if you are not finding time, make time. It could be first thing in the morning, afternoon sessions or whenever you know you will both be able to find time. An afternoon rendezvous once in a while away from home can actually be fun.

Also, kids should have clear bad times and some kind of boundaries when it comes to parents’ bedrooms because if you sleep with your kids in your bed everyday or they can just budge in then you will never find time to be intimate.

So, if your bedroom life starts to go south in the later years, worry not, it can be revamped!

35 plus women, sex after 35 / 40,

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35 Plus, women over 35, be an inspiration, there is hope

In your 30s/ 40s or older and still your dreams haven’t come true? There is hope

Allow me to brag about some very inspirational women that have shown us that persistence and hard work pays. We live in a world where people are becoming rich and famous or just accomplished at certain trades at a very young age. That usually means if you are, say, 25 years old, and you don’t have a degree yet or a great job it’s easy to feel like a failure and be very discouraged. The pressure is so much more with us women because we “have to” get married when we are still young, wrinkle-free and fertile. And we also “have to” do our studies and get our careers going before children come because we are usually the ones who will have to slow down and take care of them. Many women manage to juggle everything at the same time but sometimes resources are scarce so we put our children first and then our dreams of studying and getting careers die.

35 plus, women over 35, don't give up

35 Plus was started by a woman who knows all too well how painful it is to not reach every goal at a time she thought she would. It was therefore founded to say to other women, “hey, that dream of studying, getting a good job, getting a great man that you had when you were young, if it hasn’t come true yet let’s not give up on it. It can still happen!” Many scholarships and bursaries have a cut off age. Companies want young interns. Nobody wants to hire a 45 year old intern to run around making coffee even though there are many women out there who would love to get that position and learn new skills. We are therefore here to say it is a hostile world for us as get older but it’s not impossible. We ran a competition earlier this year and many women entered. They told us stories about all the things that kept them from studying when they were young and how they still want to start fruitful careers now. We were only able to have 5 winners and some of them came back to us with success stories of how in these few months their worlds have been changed.         35 Plus, be an inspiration, women over 3535 plus, women over 35, there is still hope, don't give up

Here are some of the women who took a leap of faith and seized an opportunity to study because they know that life is what you make it. You can’t sit back and wish things were different, or try to fulfill your dreams through your children or complain that circumstances are bad. If you stand up to make a difference in your life, life will reward you. Sometimes it takes long but don’t lose hope. Thank you to Brigitte Fourie, Carmenita Buys, Wendy Witten and many others who entered the competition. Continue to inspire those around you and don’t stop trying to reach for the stars.

35 Plus intends to continue looks for ways to inspire and assist women in their 30s and older. The main goal is not to win competitions but to inspire each other to persevere. We won’t always find solutions to all our supporters’ problems but if you are determined and inspired, you will be able to find solutions for your self. It’s not a platform that claims to know the answers to everything because no one ever does, but it’s a place where we are saying saying if we come together we can face anything.Keep supporting us and liking and sharing our Facebook page. We appreciate all the emails that we receive with your suggestions and life stories. Keep them coming and we always respond.  More challenges, competitions and events coming. Watch this space!

35 plus, women, women over 35

Email: chipo@35plus.co.za

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Guest Post : “It’s a bad day at times but it’s not a bad Life” – Courtney Carter

By Monica Muziki

35 plus, women over 35, pick yourself up, remain positive, lupus, Courtney Carter

These were the words spoken by an amazing young lady called Courtney Carter who lost her battle to Lupus in her early 20s. She spoke about her experiences growing up with this disease and the struggles that came with it. However, her message was not one to garner pity from others but it was about spreading a message of hope and it was about victory.   Victory over the situations that life throws at us and the acceptance of situations that we cannot change .It was also about persistence in the times of trial and about moving forward with positivity and even more drive and focus than before.

“It’s a bad day at times but it’s not a bad life” is about looking at certain trial periods or tough days in our lives in isolation and not letting those situations determine what our whole life will now be as a result. It is s about staying positive and accepting that yes I may be going through a tough time now but I am still blessed and my life still has purpose. It’s about picking yourself up and remaining expectant for the coming good things in your life.

What a fantastic message Courtney spread.  So today I encourage us to not let the bad experience of one day, one month, or one year dictate doom over the rest  of your  life. Those hard times are temporary and they too will pass.

So remain victorious, and remain positive by the knowledge that “it’s a bad day at times but it’s not a bad life.”